I don’t feel well these days. It’s hard to understand what’s wrong. I’m taking anti-depressants and besides the side effects, they don’t seem to be doing anything. So I have to deal with the occasional drowsiness, nausea and weakness in addition to my bouts of depression. I just feel sick. But being sick feels good sometimes. Like right now, it comes with a sense of safety and peace that I’ve never understood. I feel safe when I have to go to bed with my homework still undone. I have no fear. Words barely describe it. It’s like I’ve fallen down a cliff, and I’m hanging by a rope. I’m not even clinging to it – it’s holding me. It’s okay to cry. When I have the strength again, the rope will guide me back to safety. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of a storm (the one that begins the rainy season in Calabar) and I have no fear.
This feeling of peace does not lie either. It tells me I can sleep in peace even though my homework is due in a few hours. And I get the work done when I wake up. It tells me I’m safe and as far as I can tell, I feel safe. It leads me to thank God whose love sustains us, whose name will always be praised.