So I’ve finally crossed the line

English: A chart of the most common methods of...
English: A chart of the most common methods of suicide in the USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is moving pretty quickly. I had another spell of depression today. It’s getting easy to spot the signs. First sadness, then even more sadness, then a pain in my chest, the lack of desire to do anything, then actively wanting to die, then looking for ways to kill myself. I reach the endpoint when the only thing that stops me from attempting suicide is that I have no means. After that, there’s nowhere to go but up. What I’ve found so far is that finding a quick painless way to kill yourself isn’t easy. You’ll have to be crazily desperate to go through with the readily available methods. However, if you can get tranquilizers, you’re in luck.

Gee, reading this makes me worry about myself. I want help. I want to feel better. Nothing helps. Not the stupid pills that I have to keep taking, not the doctors, not even talking to someone. I’m going to sleep and I’m hoping – no, praying – that I won’t wake up. But I probably will. And I probably won’t feel any better. I guess that’s what it feels like to feel hopeless. Yesterday, I thought things could get better. Today, I still believe that they could but I don’t know that they will. I guess I’ve crossed the line. I feel hopeless now. The next step is where I get desperate enough to rob a pharmacy and swallow a whole pack of tranquilizers. Or jump off the top floor of the Engineering Research Building.

I’ll pray again, but God seems to be okay with the status quo. If he wasn’t he would either help me or kill me.

Yea, this is bad.


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I’m Tracy

4 thoughts on “So I’ve finally crossed the line”

  1. Have you spoken to someone about this? Do they have lines in America. They must. Please find out so you can talk to someone when you are feeling like this. My mom works in one and they are very good

  2. Hi Tracy. I hope you’re doing better, and I wish I had seen this post earlier. I see that you’ve made other posts since this one, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my boundaries here, but I’m with Mimipeppermint on this. If you haven’t already, please talk to someone about this. Depression can be a difficult thing to manage, and sometimes meds have to be tweaked quite a bit before you find a solution that works for you. Please take care of yourself.

    1. Thanks for the concern Collin. But neither of you need to worry. I am and I am not doing better, depending on what you’re asking about. I’ve found that thinking about, praising and talking about God raises my pain threshold and improves my mood so I’ve been pretty stable over the last few days.The depression is still there, but it’s changed from a game of “How many pointless things can I feel my day with so I’m never alone” to “How can I turn my mind from whatever is around me to God?”

      As for the meds, God’s curse be upon them. If I wake up in the middle of another night or can’t work because I’m sick I might just call my doctor and yell at her. They don’t work and the trial and error method of treatment means we’ll just have to keep tweaking them for weeks or months until they work. In the meantime, I’ll be waiting.

      Yes, I am getting support (for all the good is doing). Everyone at church is like “Oh, poor you! How can we help? We’ll pray for you. You can talk to me. DO you know why?” You know – trying to be helpful. I suppose it helps somehow.

      Anyway, thanks for giving me an excuse to rant. The good thing about lines is that if you cross them one way, you can cross back the same way.

      1. I’m glad you’re feeling more stable right now. Don’t hesitate to direct some ranting at your doctor as preventive care. Keeping her informed is a good idea, though perhaps that’d be best done during the day… 😉

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