This is moving pretty quickly. I had another spell of depression today. It’s getting easy to spot the signs. First sadness, then even more sadness, then a pain in my chest, the lack of desire to do anything, then actively wanting to die, then looking for ways to kill myself. I reach the endpoint when the only thing that stops me from attempting suicide is that I have no means. After that, there’s nowhere to go but up. What I’ve found so far is that finding a quick painless way to kill yourself isn’t easy. You’ll have to be crazily desperate to go through with the readily available methods. However, if you can get tranquilizers, you’re in luck.
Gee, reading this makes me worry about myself. I want help. I want to feel better. Nothing helps. Not the stupid pills that I have to keep taking, not the doctors, not even talking to someone. I’m going to sleep and I’m hoping – no, praying – that I won’t wake up. But I probably will. And I probably won’t feel any better. I guess that’s what it feels like to feel hopeless. Yesterday, I thought things could get better. Today, I still believe that they could but I don’t know that they will. I guess I’ve crossed the line. I feel hopeless now. The next step is where I get desperate enough to rob a pharmacy and swallow a whole pack of tranquilizers. Or jump off the top floor of the Engineering Research Building.
I’ll pray again, but God seems to be okay with the status quo. If he wasn’t he would either help me or kill me.
Yea, this is bad.