The past two weeks were better than the previous. My mood was high enough that I was able to cook and clean. Whenever I thought of suicide, it seemed like a stupid option, not worth considering. I felt normal most of the time – no highs, no lows. I was still very lazy. I didn’t want to do anything, but I was able to get a lot done. In other words, it was heaven compared to what had been.
Today, however, has been a particularly bad day. I woke up to something I haven’t felt in weeks – psychological pain. It continued for most of the day. My mood dipped about midday for no reason. By 3 pm I was barely able to work. By 5 pm I was seriously considering jumping from the sixth floor balcony. This wasn’t completely shocking. It’s been coming for a few days. My mood has been a little lower, and the pain was suddenly back. I feel panicked and agitated. I once again experienced the feeling that this should not be happening to me, that God should not let it happen. It was not an intellectual objection. It was purely instinctual and emotional.
Today, I was pretty close to attempting suicide. I crawled into a chair, closed my eyes and sang ‘Great is thy Faithfulness’. It relaxed me to think of God’s goodness and eventually, I felt safe again. I cried a little because I was scared. I don’t want to feel like I did four weeks ago again. I want to be safe.
My relationship with God. I wonder why some people pull away from God in times of suffering. In the past few weeks, I’ve only grown to love him more. I enjoy praising him. Hearing his name brings a sudden joy to my heart. True, all these developments are in the area of my feelings and desires, but they are significant nonetheless. I have a long way to go to learn to turn that desire to praise him into actual praise, to turn my love or him into service to the rest of his children and to put my desire for him to work by sharing him with others. I do those things, but I could do better. I’m more dependent on him – I have to be.
I also understand the reason I feel angry a little bit more. I’m learning to manage and channel it.
I have one more dosage to go up on my medication. I hope that’ll help and that the decline in my mood isn’t permanent.
Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with thee;
thou changest not, thy compassions, they fail not;
as thou hast been thou forever will be.
Great is thy faithfulness! Great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
all I have needed thy hand hath provided;
great is thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
sun, moon and stars in their courses above
join with all nature in manifold witness
to thy great faithfulness, mercy and love. Refrain
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside! Refrain