How am I doing?

You should be pleased to know that I’m doing quite well. I woke up two days ago and swept the apartment. My mom couldn’t even get me to do that without threats or guilt trips. I just woke up with the desire to work, so I did. I studied, did homework, cleaned, and sent the gazillion emails I’ve been meaning to send. I swept again yesterday morning and even did some cleaning in the evening. I worked too, and didn’t feel miserable doing it.

What changed? Well, my doctor added something new to my medication. It didn’t do anything for the first two days and I felt discouraged, but once it kicked in it worked like magic. I still feel depressed, but it’s different. I don’t feel the crushing desire to do nothing but I still feel down and I can cry at the slightest provocation. It’s basically depression without the physical side effects. I can function. For that alone I am very thankful.

With these new changes have come a new friend – fear. I’ve never been one to worry (before the last three weeks, that is) because I have a technique for dealing with fear. When I have a problem, I do what I can about it, tell God that the rest is his responsibility and forget about it. That makes it easy to get through each day in peace. But I’ve been worrying incessantly about my grades this semester (no more than other semesters, though) because I’ve not been doing much studying – or anything really. Now that I feel better, I’m doing a lot more. So, what happens things change again?

My technique only works with things I can forget and my mind keeps coming back to this issue. I push it away (sometimes with a prayer) whenever it tugs at my mind. I’m sure God will take care of it. There’s nothing I can do that I’m not already doing.

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I’m Tracy

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