It’s been a long time since I wrote and you can guess why – final exams, projects and all round craziness. Writing code around the clock and back to back appointments kept me busy. But I need to think today.
I’ve taken a beating this semester. In comparison to others, it hasn’t been bad. I did badly on two tests (Cs) and I had a B on another test. They’re all in different subjects, and I can still make an As in all classes if I do really well on the finals, but I’ve burned out. I guess I can only survive on adrenalin for so long. And then it occurred to me today that I might be angry with God.
We were saying goodbye to our graduating seniors. It felt like a huge loss. I left all my friends when I graduated from high school and I couldn’t keep in touch with the one who meant the most to me. It feels to me that graduations are those yearly occasions when God takes the people you love and send them hundreds or thousands of miles away, leaving you to make new friends so he can send them away next year. Pain and anger apparently go hand in hand -anger at the person who you feel is responsible for your pain.
I’ve been careful of my view of the sovereignty of God. I try to think of it that God knows all things and uses the choices we make to good ends. I try not to think that he is directly responsible for anything that happens. It limits God’s exercise of his power (not his power, since he is only choosing not to do something that he is able to do), but it is better than having to blame God when a drunk driver kills your family.
But I did it today. I’ll chalk it up to fear and exhaustion. My finals start on Monday and I’m barely prepared. I start studying for statistics and I run into a really long formula which I can solve but don’t want to. It’s grunt work – all multiplication and division and nonsense. Like solving partial fractions. It upsets me. But I must do it, or I won’t get an A. At times like this, I would like someone to tell me that it’s ok to not make As.
At times like this, I just remind God that my only hope is in him. I need him to finish this semester in one piece. And if he doesn’t help me, who will? I know the days will pass faster than I can blink. By this time next week it will be over. I’ll just have to take it one hour at a time.
Thankfully, my depression has been in control for the last few weeks. I can praise God for that. Even with all the stress I was on, I was fine. Of course, I might be on borrowed time. It’s possible that I’ll crash just after finals, but that will be a safe place to crash. And I’ll be safe in the arms of my creator.