How am I doing?

I haven’t written in a while because I can’t find the motivation. That seems to be true with everything. I’m winning small victories, but only because I keep fighting. I’ve been to church several Sundays in a row now. It’s easy: I just tell myself “I’m dragging your butt to church so throw your best tantrum”. And it works. Like every other technique, the energy only lasts for a short time. Usually, I’m out of energy by the time the worship service is over and going to Sunday school is a battle I sometimes lose. Today, it lasted longer than normal. I got to Sunday school, helped a bit and ate lots of cake. But the moment I sat down, the motivation was gone. I thought: “you guys might want to start this thing before I run away”. I was out of there faster than you could say “boo!”

In the way of comic relief, there’s this poor guy on facebook who met me a few years back in Nigeria and thinks he loves me. I would block him but I feel sorry for him. I’ve tried my best to explain to him that he’ll just have to get over it (because I won’t be back in Nigeria for a long time – if ever) but he seems to have succumbed to that mental illness that afflicts humans and makes them subject themselves to emotional torture.

My mom called a while ago and told me that God told her that I’ll no longer need counselling. She’s just waiting for him to keep the promise. I humored her. To the best of my knowledge, she’s never been wrong about those things, but I know better than to hope. God will do what he will do in his own time. She’s been skittish around me lately. She told me one day that I’ve changed. No kidding. I haven’t been the same since the summer of 2012. I have a lot less tolerance for anything. When she calls and talks about things I could care less about I used to let her talk and just grunt my agreement, but now I either change the topic or tell her to change the topic. She worries about upsetting me now, but in truth the only thing I don’t want it to talk about bad news. I’m depressed enough as it is. I don’t want to hurt her, so I’ve given her a list of topics to never broach. As long as she keeps to that, we’ll both be happy.

I’d write more but it takes energy to make myself do it and I don’t want to spend any more.


Published by


I’m Tracy

2 thoughts on “How am I doing?”

  1. My family is shy. Dad is fond of pointing out God weighs the hearts and when something “normal” (like talking to strangers) is difficult for you, you get extra rewards in heaven for doing it anyway. As long as you don’t give up on life and God, it’s fine to just keep plodding.
    BTW, do you listen to music that blesses you? I find beautiful, not so bouncy it makes you sick, music helps me when I’m down quite a lot. 🙂
    Good for you setting limits on your mom. I have to do the same when I’m hormonal. As long as you’re respectful, it’s just part of treating yourself like a grownup.

What did you think of my post?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s