Grades Are Out

At the end of a long (or short) life on this earth, we’ll stand in front of our creator and receive our grades. As if to remind us of this, twice a year our teachers grade us based on our performance that semester. This semester was long for me. There were times when I didn’t want to do it anymore, but thanks to God (and frequent medication) I made it. Some days I felt great. I cooked, cleaned, studied and went to class. Some days I lay in bed wondering if I was just being lazy or something was wrong with me. I let my brother spend my money as long as he bought me food and I slept until I felt better. I missed church sometimes, but not as often as I missed classes. I dragged myself along sometimes, but at other times I just slept. I got a lot of sleep this semester.

Grades are out now, and I’m a little shocked, pleased, and confused. They make sense, but not very much. I got an A in my Databases class. I expected that. Even though that was the class I missed the most, it was a programming class. I’m good at programming. I got an A in Political Science. I was surprised at that. I’d mostly managed a weak A and some Bs in the class, but I must have made up for that in the final exam. I got a B in Economics. That surprised me because I did so well on the tests. I do remember that my scores on the homeworks were atrocious. I’m pretty certain I did everything right. It’s not hard to plug in stuff into a formula and there’s no way I failed something in the homework and passes it in the tests, but I couldn’t be bothered to meet the TA and find out the problem. I made a B in History. That shocked me too, until I saw the breakdown. It was one I couldn’t make it to class and I forgot the quiz that would have gotten me an A. I made a B in Professional practices. I was pleased about that. I was terrified of making a C.

All in all, I think I did pretty well. This wouldn’t have pleased me before I got sick, but I’ve been mellow about everything since then. B is my natural rank in any non math or programming class, so I made the same grades as if I wasn’t sick, but put in minimal effort. I’ve learned to be thankful for little things: making it to class, finishing an assignment, remembering a quiz. I want to do better, but I can’t have everything I want. My mom wasn’t pleased. She wants me to get a 4.0 GPA even though I’ve explained the impossibility of that to her. I’m thankful to God. Some people make Bs and Cs; I have nothing to complain about. I’m thankful that even though I missed half of my classes, didn’t do my readings, and had to fight for every time I got out of bed, I didn’t fail. God is always good to me.

My brother, on the other hand, got all As. I’m relieved. My parents made a big stink about his failing his classes last semester. I wasn’t in the mood for any more bad news so I pretty much told them to shove it. They’ll be happy enough this summer. That’s good. I’ve had to work to drag myself out of the black hole of depression and nothing as trivial as grades is going to send me back there.

I’m doing a lot better now. I’ve been making it to church regularly. I still don’t stay for Sunday school, but I can stand the sermons. Sometimes I even enjoy them. When you’ve been where I’ve been, even those simple things feel like miracles. God has been good to me. This semester – like every one before – he’s done for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I keep waiting for him to let me down and it’s good to know he never will.

I’ll write a lot more now. It won’t be as much as I used to, but it’ll be better than during the semester. You can thank God for that.


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I’m Tracy

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